23rd
Facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme prove true, unlike myths about Chuck Norris.
According to a blog at the American Mustache Institute, Chuck Norris is suing a publisher for releasing a book featuring the “mythical facts” about him that became so popular on the Internet. You know, like “Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.”
Penguin, named for the delicious animals, published “The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the World’s Greatest Human” in November. Author Ian Spector and two Web sites he runs to promote the book, including truthaboutchuck.com, are also named in the suit.
Norris’s lawsuit alleges that the “facts”—which misappropriate and exploit the most famous roundhouse kicker’s image, including his beard and hairpiece—have been used for commercial gain without authorization. As reported by the blog, Chuck Norris and his hairpiece are both saying that his tears can in fact not cure cancer, but only herpes. Which puts the power of Norris’s tears only slightly above that of Valtrex, which, although not a cure, can “increase the chance that you’ll be outbreak-free.”
Walker, Texas Lame-ger
I responded with the following in the comment section below the blog.
Norris’s tears can cure herpes? That’s funny. ‘Cause in my not-so-humble opinion, those so-called Chuck Norris “Facts” are like a digital herpes that has been spread by the hyper-textually marked-up whore who goes by the name of “Internet.” (Hooker hasn’t seen a set of fingertips she wouldn’t want tickling her “data.”) As you state, these facts are nothing but myths. But why would anyone want to build a myth around an ugly son-of-a-beard whose signature strike, a roundhouse kick, doesn’t require leaving the bosom of Mother Earth?
That’s why I decided to dig up some facts of my own—legit, tested by the scientific method, presentable in the court of law type truths—about the man whose trademark, villain vanquishing move is a 360-degree, legs split like Moses did the Red Sea postcard to Mother Earth that reads “The view is great from up here! Father Sky says he still has feelings for you but thinks the separation was for the best. Be back before you know it. Sincerely, Jean-Claude Van Damme.”
That’s right. J-C-V-D. The Muscles from Brussels who’s got buns that can crack a walnut—and break a woman’s heart at the same time. Is that one of the facts I’ve found? No; it’s still being tested in the lab. But here’s one that’s been verified: Van Damme finished fourth in the 1991 table tennis world championships. He played with the paddle clinched between his butt cheeks. Did you know that Jean-Claude’s urine is the number one selling sports drink in Turkey? And the number two selling aphrodisiac? Now you do.
Visit my blog, the Van Damme DOJO, for more facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme, the sexiest male movie star to ever showcase his bulge with a leotard. But don’t expect lies about an ugly beard in cowboy boots.
Don’t feel like reading any more? I know the feeling; the last book I read was The Outsiders in seventh grade, and I stopped reading the CliffsNotes after Ponyboy and Cherry “discovered they had a lot in common.” And frankly, I don’t feel like writing any more. Good for both us then that I made the following video, titled “Van Damme Facts!”
