19th
I exact my revenge. Exactly like Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Jean-Claude Van Damme’s movies from the 80s and 90s have a lot in common: Van Damme splitting his legs like a lumberjack would a tree in the Pacific Northwest; Van Damme doing repeated 360 degree, extended-legs jump kicks, mostly into the face of ESL speakers who did wrong to a member of Van Damme’s family; general cinematic greatness; and the revenge plot.
My personal favorite JCVD movie of the revenge-plotted variety? Kickboxer, hands down. Or rather hands wrapped in cloth, coated in resin, and then dipped in glass shards; that is, the “ancient way.” It is with hands ritualistically prepared in that most ancient and deadliest of methods that Van Damme-as-Kurt Sloan steps into the underground ring—I mean that not figuratively, but literally—against Tong Po, the ponytailed Thai bastard who put JCVD’s brother, Eric, into a wheelchair during the beginning of the movie. Such a shame that a man in the peak of his baby-making years, equipped with the two sexiest male traits—a well-groomed mustache and well-moisturized perm—was paralyzed below the belt.
Of course, JCVD exacts his revenge on Tong Po’s ugly excuse for a face. And of course, there are repeated, slow-motion shots of Van Damme’s graceful-yet-oh-so-deadly kicks, from every angle possible, all landing punitively into the ponytail holder that is Tong Po’s fat head. And those angles allow the audience full access to what JCVD’s packing into his loincloth—and let me tell you, folks, it ain’t Kleenex. Did I mention this one’s my favorite?
Recently, I plotted my own real-life version of Van Damme’s movie’s story structure, after being wronged by some of my family members. Did I get even? No. That’s amateur hour, people. I got revenge, Jean-Claude Van Damme style. How did I do it? How else? Just like JCVD, with my fists, feet and butt cheeks. Words can’t describe what I did to my brother’s bobble-head doll of his favorite baseball player, Willie Stargell. Good thing I video recorded it. Let’s just say Willie’s head won’t be bobbling again anytime soon.
