11th
The key to makin’ babies with hot ladies? A butt like Van Damme!
Having trouble convincing someone to make babies with you? You’re busy watching “Step by Step” reruns on Friday nights, fantasizing about a date with Alicia Lambert, instead of actually going on a date with a tomboyish All-American girl who will later mature in her own right. That sucks. And you’re wondering why? I bet it’s ‘cause your butt looks like a plastic grocery bag. Full of banana peels.
If you ever want a girl to play in your jungle gym, you’re gonna have to take out that garbage in your back pockets. A compost pile in your backyard may be wonderful for the environment. But a compost pile in the seat of your Wranglers is bad for business—that is, the business of performing the activity that leads to five minutes of a good time and, if unlucky, eighteen years of a bad time.
My sensei, Jean-Claude Van Damme, has two petrified hams for a butt. And did you know that he has kids on every continent? Yep. Even Australia. I’m no mathematician, but it seems there’s an obvious correlation between the hardness of your butt cheeks and the amount of time you spend watching Al Lambert, instead of turning her ball cap around and making out with her—and it’s inverse, my saggy-bottomed friends. What can you do to get a butt like Van Damme? First I’ll tell you: You gotta blast it! And now I’ll show you:
