November 2009
1 post
10 tags
Bud Select 55: Light Beer for Fat-Asses, Fitness...
In an effort to keep my body as close an approximation to that of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s as possible (particularly in the butt cheek region), I’m always on the look-out for low calorie options of the food and beverages I love to eat and drink. I particularly love drinking beer—particularly because it measurably improves my Van Damme dancing (I know you’ve seen that scene from...
February 2009
2 posts
1 tag
Yearning for Jennifer Lopez's butt results in...
When I was in high school, there were two things I collected—hand written notes on college ruled looseleaf, returned to me from girls out of my league with No circled, instead of Yes or Maybe; and magazine pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s butt. The former made cry from sadness. The latter made me cry tears of joy—I guess you could call J-Lo’s rear end an Onion Ass.
Coming out of the...
1 tag
Cool new Internet micro trend: hot YouTube girls...
Girls with fake mustaches are totally in style, appearing in videos all across the Internets. In this video blog, Bert Werdenstein—”Web Gentleman 2.0”—shows you the best of the best of the false feminine lip sweaters uploaded on YouTube. Sort of like how Maverick from the movie Top Gun was in the top one percent of all naval aviators, along with his RIO Goose, who had a top one percent...
January 2009
7 posts
1 tag
1991 Miami Dolphins wear Zubaz pants and rap in...
Located on the bestweekever.tv blog, I found a post mentioning the return of Zubaz, the brand relaunched and the pants remade at the end of 2007, while doing a Google search for “zubaz rap.” If you’re old enough to recall the year 1991—”like, OMG, yuckerz!!!”—the appetite for these baggy-through-the-loins-yet-tight-on-the-ankles workout pants was unquenchable. Best...
1 tag
A Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonation for a world...
The movie poster for Conan the Barbarian—the 1982 film starring a young, pre-Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger—shows the bodybuilder-as-Cimmerian triumphantly thrusting his sword skyward, accompanied to the left by four descriptors of his personage: thief, warrior, gladiator, king. After its succesful run in theaters, you could have added a fifth one: Hollywood star. Conan was the character that...
Magnum p.i. the movie news update: casting rumors...
For a couple of years now, there’s been an online stream of news-slash-rumors about the development of a Magnum p.i. movie adaptation. Importantly, one that won’t star Tom Selleck as the titular, mustached, Hawaiian-based investigator.
About a year ago, the biggest casting rumor was released across the Internets, with many entertainment sites reporting that Matthew McConaughey had...
Ten facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme that are...
Jean-Claude Van Damme was born on October 18, 1960. He’s married to Gladys Portuguese. He’s 1.75 meters tall. In 1990, he starred in Lionheart, a movie in which he fought and defeated another street fighter in the deep end of a drained swimming pool while wearing a black leotard.
These are all facts about JCVD—facts that anybody with an Internet connection and half a brain could find...
Miller Lite not light enough? MGD 64 to the...
During the spring of last year, Miller Brewing Company began rolling out the reformulation of its Miller Genuine Draft Light, calling it MGD 64. Because—you guessed it!—it only has 64 calories. If you’re like me, you’ve taken a swig of Miller Lite—maybe at your local Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill while waiting for one of their mouth-watering apps—and thought, This...
Interviewee penetrates seriousness of teen sex...
HealthDay News recently reported a story, “Many Teens Don’t Keep Virginity Pledges,” which was picked up by Yahoo! News.
Quoted in the article is study author Janet E. Rosenbaum, who used a different statistical method on previously used data, controverting ealier studies that found pledgers were more likely to delay having sex than non-pledgers.
“Virginity pledgers and...
Blogger says MGD 64 is magic. Turn your toilet...
Andrea Grimes, blogger for heartlessdoll.com, wrote a post titled “MGD 64: magic or merely gross?” I came across it in the Google search results for “mgd 64 abv,” trying to figure out why, after drinking four 64s, my head wasn’t buzzing, but my bladder was. Turns out the alcohol content of MGD 64 isn’t even 3.0%.
Grimes’s opinion of the beer that is...
December 2008
9 posts
Mustache Mondays at the Van Damme DOJO give Eric...
In August, I began Mustache Mondays at the Van Damme DOJO blog. Why, you might ask, would I write about the best style of facial hair on the worst day of the week?
Jean-Claude Van Damme is my sensei, let’s get one thing straight. He’s responsible for my personal transformation from a Screech Powers look-a-like in middle school, to the A.C. Slater body double that I am today—more...
School teacher gets me Hot, leaves me Cold while...
Remember that denim vest your second grade school teacher used to wear? I don’t. Good thing I met a second grade teacher at the bar who was wearing one just like it. Every time she asked me a question, I raised my hand before answering. Boy, was my shoulder sore by the end of the night.
But not from all the hand raising. From raising so many bottles of MGD 64 to my light beer-loving lips....
Facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme prove true,...
According to a blog at the American Mustache Institute, Chuck Norris is suing a publisher for releasing a book featuring the “mythical facts” about him that became so popular on the Internet. You know, like “Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.”
Penguin, named for the delicious animals, published “The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400...
A comment about Justin Timberlake on SNL with...
Ever watch Saturday Night Live? I do. Every week. Although, thanks to my DVR, usually never on Saturday Night, nor Live. I’ve got better things to do during that time slot than watch TV—like watch a DVD, any of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s from the 80s or early 90s featuring a revenge plot and gratuitous shot of his butt cheeks, to be exact. It’s usually been on Sunday mornings over a...
I exact my revenge. Exactly like Jean-Claude Van...
Jean-Claude Van Damme’s movies from the 80s and 90s have a lot in common: Van Damme splitting his legs like a lumberjack would a tree in the Pacific Northwest; Van Damme doing repeated 360 degree, extended-legs jump kicks, mostly into the face of ESL speakers who did wrong to a member of Van Damme’s family; general cinematic greatness; and the revenge plot.
My personal favorite JCVD...
Jean-Claude Van Damme hits on 22-year-old Newsweek...
In a recent Q&A session, Jean-Claude Van Damme told the 22-year-old female Newsweek reporter interviewing him, and I quote, “I would love to be naked in front of you.” A few commenters—probably empty-nester Moms with recent college grad daughters of their own who used to fantasize about JCVD during the 80s—accused The Muscles from Brussels of sexual harassment (prounounced...
The key to makin' babies with hot ladies? A butt...
Having trouble convincing someone to make babies with you? You’re busy watching “Step by Step” reruns on Friday nights, fantasizing about a date with Alicia Lambert, instead of actually going on a date with a tomboyish All-American girl who will later mature in her own right. That sucks. And you’re wondering why? I bet it’s ‘cause your butt looks like a plastic...
The sexiest piece of male clothing: not the...
Ask people on the street which garment on men is the sexiest, and 7.8 out of 10 would say the Speedo. I don’t know of any studies, but I’m assuming that’s a fact, plus or minus a tenth. Those 7.7 to 7.9 people would be wrong, however. The sexiest piece of male clothing is the leotard, a sort of full-body Speedo. The not-so secret of the Speedo’s sexiness, in relation to...
